How To Be A Total **** At Starbucks*

*Based on a true story.

Make a dramatic entrance by barging through the door in a flustered manner. If there’s a line to order, ignore it.
Order the drink with the longest name. This procedure should take at least a full minute. If such a drink does not exist, extend the title of an existing drink with prefixes (double, decaf, double-decaf) and suffixes (”hold the whip”, “extra whip”, “extra hold the whip”). When the barista looks puzzled, repeat the same order in a much louder voice.
Pay with dimes or, even better, pennies. Count them out painstakingly. Glare at anyone who shows impatience.
Within seconds of ordering, tap your foot, sigh, and glance at your watch. Repeat, increasing the range of movement each time.
When your order is presented, shout: “I asked for this much foam!” Position your fingers to demonstrate the precise measurement requested. Look at other customers and smile, as if they were allies in the battle against idiotic baristas.
After foam has been allocated satisfactorily, push through the crowd to the sugar counter. Spill drink over fellow Starbucks patron.
Repeat previous steps from the beginning.

Lesson: Don’t sweat the small, tall, grande or venti stuff.

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